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Reductress

By Christine Covode


Check out this article I wrote for a Reductress Application! Hope it makes you laugh :)




How To Remind Your Straight Best Friend She’s Not Gay Just Because You Are!


Congrats on coming out, girl! You might be going through a lot right now; having to tell everyone in your life that you’re gay can feel a little overwhelming and is definitely not easy. But trust us when we tell you that nothing is more straning than continuously having to remind your straight bff that she’s not gay just becuase you are!


It might feel like you know exactly where she is coming from; I mean you guys have done everything together ever since you were little kids (learning to ride bikes, wearing makeup for the first time, going to parties with the same friends, even going to the SAME COLLEGE), so we get that it might feel IMPOSSIBLE to her that you could be gay and she isn’t. But deep down you know that’s wrong and you two are completely different people actually! It’s important to remind Jessica (it’s Jessica, right?) that just because you grew up together watching Spongebob doesn’t mean you both like pussy now!


She might privately disclose to you that she once thought your mutual friend looked “hot in her heels the other night” and she definitely might have “felt something for her.” This is that moment when a straight bff wants to relate to you by pretending she feels things for girls in “that way” too so you don’t have to feel so bad! This is your cue to remind Jessica that you are actually doing great and that thinking friends are pretty doesn’t mean her sexual identity has changed entirely! In fact, it turns the spotlight on her and diminishes your feelings completely! Stay in your lane, Jess Jess.


And we TOTALLY get it; you and Jessica have always related over mutual boy crushes in the past. Those thirteen year old crushes on Channing Tatum in 22 Jump Street and Taylor Lautner in Twilight were very real and bonded you two together! But you are a lot older and wiser now and this new development in your sexuality is unique to you and not her. If Jessica isn’t buying any of it, just tell her you had the hots for Bella all along. Stop her quickly before she says, “I did to-!”


Lastly, Jessica might say, “I think women are beautiful but I don’t think I could ever...you know...go down on them” which is something that most straight girls say as their reason for not liking women. This is a tough one because it just screams “I’m so fucking striaght” but just gently remind your friend that if she were gay she would actually want to plesure someone she was genuinely attracted to! “I just wouldn’t know what to do!” We GET it, Jess, you wouldn’t! Because you like men!


To all the gay girls out there with straight best friends, stay strong. If your bff tells you she might “feel those things too” and that you “aren’t alone,” just smile and nod because at this point she’s just not getting it!


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